Awake

Today, 16th November ’10 I took a vital decision, rather I had some strange realizations. It wouldn’t have been written by me if by any chance the case was just ‘reverse’. How reverse and meaning of this ‘reverse’ will be clear in course of time. For that much period patience of the readers and mine too are expected. At the end I may not end up writing this, may not end up publishing this, may not bother to move according to the ‘changed decision’ even! Never mind, after a long time writing so….. forgive that much of nuisance.!

Still last night 11p.m I was very much OK with my ‘previous decision’ of  fleeing away after having a safe amount of monetary deposit and clearing all mental blocks and pillars!
But last night talking with someone on the topic of being truant, suddenly I realized how horrible it really will turn out to be for my parents and loved ones. My parents, who 'made' me in all senses and literally brought back from death, what will happen to them!
I had the idea of ‘vanishing’ one day without anyone letting know anything, without carrying any single stuffs from my home/room/family/friends.

Can it really be possible? I myself am a part of them.
How can I ignore my presence, their presence in me! Did I do so? Do I do so? Or will I do that?
I donno at this moment. This professional life has made me feel the word ‘care’.

Here most of ‘them’ don’t care about their work properly, and ‘caring’ about ‘others’ is totally out of question. Previously I used to think myself rude; coming at workplace I realized, how rude the rest of the world ‘actually’ is! So, far I have been rude with those people (especially 2) who perhaps love me the most on earth. But rest of the world is rude to the one, whom they don’t know even! Am I insane? Or they are mature?

Suddenly amidst this rude and cruel world the thought of moving away , getting ‘vanished’ from the vicinity of my loves shook something inside me.
Can I really do that?
Do I really need to do that?

I wonder!
Am I fleeing away from life?
Am I afraid to face the battle ahead?
 I have never been a coward!
But I ended up making all the decisions like a coward.
I became all, what I hated.
I chased all what I dreamt!

I lost all my prizes.
Am I still sleeping?
Or I am Just Awake!

Months of CurseS and BlesseS.

'17' is now a hard-to-forget-day of my life.

Though my first job's formal joining date was April, 19'2010, as the office was not fully ready for joining of the new employees, I joined the office from 17th May'10. But 3rd June was my last day at that office.I was not much satisfied there as because most of it were paper work , and it was like a punishment for a mechanical engineer to do those stuffs only through out days,nights,weeks and months.
My last semester examination was starting from 8th of June[This examination date also got postponed due to the famous 'MUNICIPAL VOTE' Festival.]
The sinister(oops. semester.,.!!) ended on 15th June with much tensions and chapped nails[As my last examination was my Elective III-Refrigeration and Air Conditioning, and my head was becoming too jammed with all the wires and coils and graphs.]. Among all this my interview result of another company came out, with my name in the confirmation mail. But as
my fate goes, like always - there was small '?' marks on my forehead as beside my name it was written "will be called for another interaction". 
Ultimately we were called on 17th June.And after waiting for an hour or so ultimately our turn came, all were given a bunch of forms to fill up, and I was picked up and taken to GM(P & HRD) for 'interaction' with the person under whom I was supposed to be placed. Our medical check ups and all took place and we were given Offer letters that very day , along with the declaration that we were the employees of the company from that day only. We were happy, I was peaceful.
So, from that day my job life started in true and proper sense, the way as I consider it.

Professional life --- It's weird, it's good, it's pathetic, it's sympathetic, it's empathetic.
It's a kind of world,  just after the college where I can easily use all the mentioned adjectives together. People are strange- politicians,diplomats, always doing- namby-pamby -ones, jealous ones, zealous one, intimidated ones, dominating ones. I know many of you know this 'real' world',  but it's totally a brand new world for me. It's my dream place , yet it's the hard-core reality. I fly here, still I need to fix my feet firmly on the ground to thrive and strive.

Today is another '17', I complete Two months of my professional life. It's hectic, yet I like it. It may kill me, yet I live for it. The person who couldn't stay awake if she didn't have a 8 hrs sleep daily,now works with hardly six and half hours sleep daily. that doesn't matter much, cause she is happy.


PS: Sorry dear friends and readers for being so late to post this. Hope you can understand the phase of tension, anxiety and currently hectic life that I am going through.

Take care.
Have a nice Day.

Just another Story. Part -6

 CONTINUED FROM:
Mind out: Just another Story. Part-1
Mind out: Just another Story. Part-2   
Mind out: Just another Story. Part -3 
Mind out: Just another Story. Part -4
Mind out: Just another Story. Part-5


Sorry, dear readers, I was very busy with studies and all, and today found a bit time, because the university has postponed the last semester exam from 14th June to some will-be-announced-soon date.

Hope you remember the last part of the story where Anu was sad,as Rishi was harsh, but couldn't express and wrote pages in diary.
A few days passed. Human nature, its unpredictable and uncontrollable. Though fought but couldn't stay apart, couldn't stay far for long without quarreling. After much tears and
sweaty nights, they talked to each other.
They talked like they met after ages. They met like they were meeting after decades. They came closer and closer. Rishi realised that he couldn't control the attraction. Anu hardly thought and pay heed but couldn't control.
The friendly embraces and touches were no longer such, they were deeper and longer. Still,
Anu continued in her oh-I-hate-love facet, but was not able to resist Rishi whenever he came closer. She even didn't feel guilty for it. She dungeoned all the thoughts of so-called-sins and
'should not s'. She had the notion: she was right. Cause she never lied to Rishi, she never said to Rishi that she loved him, but she couldn't resist her to come closer to him. She went closer cause she liked the proximity of their breaths, smell of his air. For her it was pure because she was using herself for the highest reason on earth 'for her good feeling, thats causing harm to none'(somehow her novel-inspired thoughts drove her). Even Rishi had nothing o say against her these idiosyncrasies. But still, she continued to think she was not in love.
The bad news, the good news everything reached Rishi first. Yet nothing in her heart changed.

 
Among all these some drastic change in her mentality was undergoing due to her family matters.
Her dad was a kind of person, who would blame her mother, if ever Anu dared to say something to him in a high tone. Even when Anu protested against something wrong of his father the same happened, her mother was scolded blamed and abused for daughter's behavior. She literally disliked him for his rude, orthodox and bad behaviors towards his family.

Anu realised the person in front of her in the mirror has also somehow evolved to be like
the person whom she disliked so much.She was abashed,shameful and sad.She remembered how she scolds
and behaves with her siblings and friends, pretty often over pety stuffs.She even realised it
was very hard for her to control her temperament, cause it flowed in her blood. She decided to fight it and break that shell.
She even promised herself, she will change and one day will be better than him, and will be able to behave with him unlike how he behaves with her.

What Is thIs?

 

I have a grievance .

Against??!
Don't know exactly against whom? The country, administration or some selfish dolts?!!
The topic is a much much discussed and a much controversial one though, yet I need to speak a bit on the topic and vent out my thoughts.

"Reservation and quotas".

A particular national level exam has 84 seats out of which 52 are for OBC,18 for SC/ST/PH. So for general candidates '14' seats are allotted. Isn't this an injustice?
Backward classes and all stuffs, yeah I know those things, but are we(general caste people) not important? As far my knowledge goes or normal sense says: Number of general category candidates appearing for exams are considerably more than the number of other class people. Reservation is alright for promoting them,for their progress but more than 80% reservation!!!???
Is it really necessary.?!
This has already caused the increase of corruption among all level of people. People already belonging to these backward classes often take the disadvantages of belonging to these categories.
Reservation was made for the purpose of helping the ones who are unable to progress,who remained veiled by customs made by the 'so-called high castes' of the society, who are economically weaker. But as a result of this reservation thing, even the economically richer ones or non-deserving ones(or both) are getting posted in high posts. Apart from this a number of people who doesn't belong to these classes are making fake certificates for gaining (dis)advantages..!!
Is it right in a developing country like India? Doesn't it retard country's progress all the more?Isn't it a black spot on the name of democracy of a 'sovereign' country, somehow?

 Firstly, some non-deserving candidates[point to be noted: I am not saying all are not good, or all doesn't deserve, but some really really doesn't deserve.] without proper knowledge or capability spoil the dignity of the position and secondly, Frustration breeds in other deserving candidates. Most are not determined and dedicated enough like "Rizwan khan" to go to the high authority and claim:
"We deserve".

Recently NTPC is recruiting engineers. They are supposed to take 162 mechanical engineers. Well, coming to the main point ,among them : 108 are OBC,36 are general, rest are SC/ST.
IS it really OK? Can this keep on going or this will keep on going?

You

 

You are so away.....That
Your smell no more tingle senses,
Though in a crowd often it seems
You are just around...

But I know you are away...
Light years away,
More away than I
Ever expected you to be.

Care- I see it everywhere,
I never wished to have it so much.
I don't like them to care,
Yet they do, but
You don't .

Its just like I am in the mid ocean:
"water water everywhere, but not a drop to drink"!!


They swear to follow me everywhere,
You too did, but you broke the promise.
But I don't care whether they'll keep it or not.

Night knows the pain,
Pillows know the tears,
They cannot consolate, they know.
You can consolate, but you don't know.

Just another Story. Part-5

CONTINUED FROM:  
Mind out: Just another Story. Part-1
Mind out: Just another Story. Part-2   
Mind out: Just another Story. Part -3 
Mind out: Just another Story. Part -4

Things started getting well. Anu forgetting her momentary discomfort went to see Rishi in hospital whose condition was serious. This was one of the rare times of Anu's life when things didn't worsen. Rishi convalesced soon, somehow may be due to the mental backbone ,that was once again provided by Anu for her best friend. Life became normal for them, though Anu often thought of the future and could never reach any conclusion. For Rishi , future hardly mattered at present, cause at present he was not able to live without 'her' presence anyhow, a single day.
Life apparently became like before. Though from Anu's side it was never the same. 'Rishu' was
'Rishi' now, 'tere jaisa yara kahaan...' ringtone was removed;which was set for 'Rishu's' calls only.

She had some problem in accepting the fact of her best friend loving her so madly.Rishi's doings and manners reminded her again and again he loves her, but not just as a 'best friend'.
Things were going fine, until Rishi wanted to discuss the fact, that its quiet natural for best friends to fall in love,things turned up in different hues all the more because it was a phone conversation and not face to face.


Rishi(R): See, its nothing bad, its universally accepted that best friends turn best partners.(he was talking not for
persuading her to accept the proposal, he was talking just to make things clear)

Anu(A): Please ,I don't want to discuss this topic. I don't care what the universe says. Universe says many things. It only matters what I think.
It's a sort of betrayal for me.....(Anu's voice  started choking).

R: I don't understand what's betrayal over here.....Listen, I thought over this for long time,then only reached the fact that yes I......

A: Oooo, so you had that intention for long......

R: Ahh..as usual you are not getting me. Intentions remain there where girls are targetted..but I never had anything.I liked
 You in the course of interaction with you... I never started with an intention of approaching you....

A: I donno, You all are same .I hate you people. just get away from my life. If you need me I'll always be there, and if I need you,
I am enough selfish to ask for that.. so no use now in staying in this 'oh-so-precious-friendship'. I don't bother about.....

R: I know you don't bother.I know you can live without those things, but I can't. I know if I move away, you won't be having any trouble. You are
strong and brave,I am not. I'll not be able to take it...

A: (trembling voice,her mind was wandering in search of words).... Am keeping the phone now...

R: Lis..........
Ting.
Half an hour later an sms entered Anu's mobile:

"I hve done big mistakes.Sory fr evrything I hve done in past yrs. sorry for not understanding u ever. i'm really a kid, i never undrstood i wud get such behaviour frm u fr my feelings.bt i cnt resist myself doin dt,srry fr dat also. i ws sufring frm d frustrtion ki, none undrstnds me, now dt wil persist.let it be.i m staying where i am,i m ready to face watevr wil b hapning now,nobody cares. i also dnt care.watevr u wanted things wil b like dat,u cary on.
Good luck L...
take care,bye.
Hope u will be happy from now."

For moments Anu was blank.She could'nt follow up what's going on...
Then she smsed rishi,that didn't reach his mobile as it was switched off.
Then she opened up her diary and started writing:

Dear diary,happy new year.
You can never be best friends with your best buddy, after you discover he loves you and you don't have such feelings for him.
And it's worse when you cannot explain to him why you can't be best buddies anymore. But it's a fact, you can't be. You can't be that close to him...you can't discuss things as freely as you used to do earlier.
Cause: You start having the basic tendency of avoiding that person as you do to most people who have feelings for you, but you don't have anything for him.
You become conscious while talking,you become more aware whether your words are taken in other ways, whether your attitude, behaviors, words are hurting your 'once' best friend.
You want to gaurd that person from further hurts. But that person takes it otherwise. He understands, you avoid him only for the sake of yourself, for your own peace.
He hardly understands your emotion . That's not his fault . He loves you.But it's really hard to make him understand your cares and feelings, its hard to make him understand you are his
well-wisher from the bottom of your heart.
When you talk about other guys, your marriage and such stuffs, he somewhere gets hurt,immensely hurt, and you can feel it. But he doesn't understand that you do.
Jokes really doesn't help at those times. And its tough to go on like that. You cannot go ahead, you cannot regress. Ahead you can't go as you have someone else in your mind, you can't regress in the fear of hurting him.
I pray none ever falls in this situation. It's not a matter of loosing love, but it's a matter of loosing and hurting your bestest friend. It hurts like hell.

I chose to walk away from many friends in my life. They were all much beloved of mine, much close to my heart. I loved them all in some way or the other(may be not in the way they wished to be loved).
But I ended up hurting them, which I never wanted to do. They were hurt by me, It was hard for me to accept that particular fact. So I wished they were not hurt any more by me. And so when situations are such , where I can't promise myself that
I'll not be hurting them anymore ,I prefer to move away. I feel sudden death is better than blows in installments. And in these cases where it's pretty sure they will be hurt again in future, I don't dare to take the chance of continuing with them.
They may be sad now, but with time grief will be healed and they will be saved from the worse blow.But they never got the way I love them, never......


The pages turned mushy with teardrops and inks, and rashes of paper. She got up, washed her face, and decided not to cry again, cause she was right, and one day others will surely understand that.

But she was worried as the Rishi's phone was stil switched off.
 That night in her dreams the mighty knight came to bless her with his sword.

Then:
Mind out: Just another Story. Part -6