Awake

Today, 16th November ’10 I took a vital decision, rather I had some strange realizations. It wouldn’t have been written by me if by any chance the case was just ‘reverse’. How reverse and meaning of this ‘reverse’ will be clear in course of time. For that much period patience of the readers and mine too are expected. At the end I may not end up writing this, may not end up publishing this, may not bother to move according to the ‘changed decision’ even! Never mind, after a long time writing so….. forgive that much of nuisance.!

Still last night 11p.m I was very much OK with my ‘previous decision’ of  fleeing away after having a safe amount of monetary deposit and clearing all mental blocks and pillars!
But last night talking with someone on the topic of being truant, suddenly I realized how horrible it really will turn out to be for my parents and loved ones. My parents, who 'made' me in all senses and literally brought back from death, what will happen to them!
I had the idea of ‘vanishing’ one day without anyone letting know anything, without carrying any single stuffs from my home/room/family/friends.

Can it really be possible? I myself am a part of them.
How can I ignore my presence, their presence in me! Did I do so? Do I do so? Or will I do that?
I donno at this moment. This professional life has made me feel the word ‘care’.

Here most of ‘them’ don’t care about their work properly, and ‘caring’ about ‘others’ is totally out of question. Previously I used to think myself rude; coming at workplace I realized, how rude the rest of the world ‘actually’ is! So, far I have been rude with those people (especially 2) who perhaps love me the most on earth. But rest of the world is rude to the one, whom they don’t know even! Am I insane? Or they are mature?

Suddenly amidst this rude and cruel world the thought of moving away , getting ‘vanished’ from the vicinity of my loves shook something inside me.
Can I really do that?
Do I really need to do that?

I wonder!
Am I fleeing away from life?
Am I afraid to face the battle ahead?
 I have never been a coward!
But I ended up making all the decisions like a coward.
I became all, what I hated.
I chased all what I dreamt!

I lost all my prizes.
Am I still sleeping?
Or I am Just Awake!