Just another Story. Part -3

CONTINUED FROM:  
Mind out: Just another Story. Part-1
Mind out: Just another Story. Part-2 
                             

Anu was disturbed . She had some family troubles. According to her,her parents were perfectly imperfect for each other. They quarelled and fought with each other so much, that made Anu temperamentally unsuited to family life.The way her father treated her and behaved with her, she couldn't bear it and thought it would be impossible for her in her future to marry and live with some man;when she couldn't tolerate her father's attitude how will she accept someone under the same roof whom she hardly knows. She was avoiding relations and people involved in relations. These reactions in her sub-conscious mind somehow affected her social life.
Everyone started seeming different to her with time.

One of her big problems was turning to be Rishi. She started feeling a difference in him. She felt somehow Rishi was actually wanting to be more than just best friends to her. His touches were different. Those consolating soothing embraces were changing. Rishi has changed - this thought was pinning her constantly. The last day Rishi hold her, she sensed as if Rishi was feeling her, it was not the same friendly hugs; it was different, and Anu didn't like it. But she couldn't tell Rishi anything about this as she thought this might hurt him, in case she was wrong. She was not sure because she had great trust on Rishi, and if it was really like what she was guessing and had felt it would hurt her severely.

As days passed Rishi was more and more in love with Anu. He tried to support her in every possible way. But yes, as he was now in love, things were much different to him, unlike Anu. When Anu and he were close or when she needed his consolations, she was no more his best friend but his inamorata(for him). He hold her the way, he would never let her go away. Anu tried to tear herself away, but in vain;Rishi's strong hands and a burning heart couldn't let her go.

But Anu, inspite of being a modern girl still had some very conservative ideologies. The things she didn't like, none could actually make her like those. The incident affected her. She was creating distance between herself and Rishi, though she herself tried to move the incident out of her mind. She thought, from the next time she'll be conscious and won't let her be that close to Rishi that may cause her later-awkward thoughts and feelings. She also blamed herself somehow for her ill-feelings towards her best friend. Rishi was quiet able to understand how Anu was trying hard to avoid interactions with him, but he could hardly make out what it was. The last day they met ,she didn't even bid a good bye to him, nor looked at his face. This hurt him severely.he kept on wondering what was disturbing her.

Anu believed in platonic relations. She coludn't protest when Rishi was in her love , but she didn't like his 'that way' approach. Anu doesn't look on intimacy as a guilt, but according to her 'that'sort of closeness without one's will was never to be welcome.
 
Anu was once again breaking down as she was moving away from Rishi. In middle of the night she cried aloud 'Rohit where are you?Why you came to me? I ask you only this cause I can't blame you for leaving me,I know I was somehow wrong....Rohit...Rohit.....' .She tried to gather her lost strength from Rohit's name. He was not in her life anymore, but for Anu he was just ubiquitous as always .



Then:
Mind out: Just another Story. Part -4
Mind out: Just another Story. Part-5

Bad time again.

Again that particular bad phase of life has arrived. The weather is soo nice, winter just coming, no fan, and the cosiness of sheets, shawls and blankets luring mind.. But sem is hardly 3 weeks away(We don't know the date yet, our university discloses the sem date just 7 or 8 days before , pathetic..!) .Well this is my 2nd last semester of my graduation.Yet its no less horrible than others.
As its the last year, we have so many non-departmental subjects. In a way I hate them sometimes..
Engineering economy and financial management one of the horrendous subjects. Cashbook, passbook,trial balance, balance sheet etc etc etc..oh my god...all alien things. and we (inspite of being being science students)are supposed to  mug up all those. The terms only seem alien. And under one subject theres basically two subjects, economics is also there, uffff....and its not possible to give stress on a part, as we never know
whats going on in the paper setters' mind. Its pathetic.
And as the sem approaches I just feel al the more sleepy and hungry....
As I start reading, I feel like sleeping and soon I do fall asleep and when the mozzies ('3 mistakes' term for mosquitoes..:P) awake me I feel hungry. But often if I don't get anything or anyone at home, I switch on the music or computer or sit with another story book.
Engg. ethics is a subject and when I open the book I feel I know all those and when I see the previous years' question paper I feel sick. They give questions worth 15marks each and many of them have no part markings...:(...history..history history..my mind aches thinking of my future hand pain..:P

Machining, material science are interesting but I forget what I read last when I read the new topics..
Operation research and industrial management(OR &IM)  is another subject...well operation research is almost done, but IM part....its a big fat book itself and all theory and no maths..it makes me feel sick..

And theres project works-mine being design of truss. Our group almost completed the theoritical calculation parts but, another teacher declared that,that will not do properly and we need to do a practiacal and proffessional ,with all the loads brought under considerartion(wind, living,self-weight etc etc) and that again put fresh loads on us... Over loads take me to the stage of fatigue, hope its not 'failure'.:P

Ahem..god save me this sem(as he does often..:))

Award time.

Another award. Its long I am getting awards but not giving anyone..:P. So deceided this time to award some people, though I don't like the concept of awarding a few and not all.
Rohit Dassani has awarded me this one.Thank you Rohit.

Yet the rule goes.. But before bestowing the award according to rule I am to unfold '7' that none knows about me(You need to do the same when you get this award.). Well thats a bit hard, cause I am an
extrovert person and theres almost nothing and listing '7' such stuffs is a pretty hard job.. And being such an extrovert even if such things remain which none knows,well, then perhaps none is supposed to know.:P
Well let share with you somethings that you are not supposed to know:..:)[now happy..??:)...]

1.I was born as a premature baby and there were rare chances of my existance.
2.I did and do things which shock many people.
3.People says(rather claims..:P) they love me for my weirdness.
4.I became a story-book-worm only after my 10th std(i.e the time when i started hating study-books..:P).
5.I am a very selfish person.But I help and am always with people who are with me.I hate charity.
6.I am very short-tempered.I get angry even if any of my family members touch the morning newspaper before me.
7.I dream to lead a very luxurious life, but alone.


Well I am done over with the worst part.. Now the award ceremony... A huge round of applause for alll of you....
The award goes to:
chocolate lover,
Mahesh Sindbandge,
Anoop,
Being Pramoda...,
Atulya,
Vittaldas Prabhu,
Yellow Tulip ....

Well thats all for now, Congratulations to all...Best of luck keep writing.

Train of ThoughtS

So many things moving around in my head, yet I am not writing for quiet a long time. Because I was not in the mood for writing, I was actually busy doing one of my most favourite thing...simply being lazy. Everyday I thought of writing, yet I didn't feel like typing .
I felt like talking with people. But unfortunately (or may be fortunately) there's none around  with enough patience to listen to my whole range gripes and tripes.
Here in blog at least I can express my words and some nice people reads my blogs and praise my writings, which I never thought, could happen.

Just a few days back(when I was in my lazy phase) I read a book We The Living  by Ayn Rand. Loved it , loved it very much. Its about post effect of revolution in Russia, but it was a very romantic one. But the thing is that , the book has infused a typical anti-communist mentality in my head. Now I hate communism(well its not like that, that I was a huge patron of communism before reading the book; I just developed a sort of hatred towards communism after reading the book). Well, on this topic I remember one thing, I have got very much influenced by various people and books many times in my life.
Ayn Rand in her writing presents her own convictions, which are , not a bit, but quiet a much deviated from normal thoughts.
Communism is the ideology , where there will be no classes in the society, there will be no distinction between a worker or a manager and everyone will be the owner of every organisation , with everyone working as much as they can, but will be earning on the basis of what they need, Not what they deserve.
I don't think this thing to be a bit practical. Its not possible to work as much as one can, most of the times, and again its a sort of injustice to give one what he needs, not what he deserves. All human beings are not equal, everyone's intelligence or physical strength is not equal, everyone's ambition is not equal. Communism is a barrier for the outstanding; if he wants to do , own something then it will not be his' but all's. Is it possible? Is it acceptable?

So, stratas in society is quiet obvious.
I do agree , capitalistic society is most often excruciating for the subordinates, since the owner desires the maximum possible benefits,but I don't think communism is the solution The one who is working hard and the one not doing so can never own equal possessions.
Why on earth do we live for?For whose sake? Ourselves. Living is self-reverence.

So, I don't understand the ideology of not doing what one wishes to,and of not getting the full one deserves.

                                                            ******************************

Another thought was moving around, in my head....escapism and hedonism.
Well, I think I am a hedonist, I do most of the things for myself, for my happiness. I try to live my life keeping myself happy. For being happy it is often required to be a escapist. Don't you agree ?

Interaction with someone makes you sad? Do you prefer to say you, an escapist when you avoid that person? May be yes, but I don't see anthing bad in it, cause its done just for self. May be often its termed selfishness. Well, aren't we really meant to be so? We have only one life (that's even predicted to end on 2012...:(.. hehe.) so we should live on our terms and for our goodnesses and joys. Also there's a controversy regarding this, in my head. If someone gets joy always doing harm to the others, then what will happen to others.?! Well, I really don't think anyone can get true joy by doing intentional harm to others.

                                                              ******************************


Now , a poem, that was in mind for a time, but today the Bryan Adam's songs instigated me to write it.

You loved me, you said you do so.
I was in love,
Enough, enough to be blind in that.
Now I often think,
What you did.!
You loved me, or Always just
Wanted me to love you?!

I am not blaming you,
Not a bit,
I don't even dare to do so.
I just still love you
As it was years back,
I will love you
As it was years back.

I walk the life
With my shadow
But I am not alone
The memories I still cherish.
I don't need others' love,
I now hate those
Who Claim they love Me..!!
I prefer to be alone.

I am alone, not lonely,
I am alone, by choice,
Not by Chance.

I still love you,
The only difference is
I want you nomore.
I need you nomore.
I see you nomore.

                        
                                                   
                                                        **************************


Ahhh, I am feeling so light after saying(oops writing!) soo much..:)

Just another Story. Part-2

Continued from:  Mind out: Just another Story. Part-1





Anu unlike most of the times grew a bit matured this time. She didn't tell anyone that Rohit called , not even to her best friends Arohi and Rishi. She even didn't give any clue to anyone how much sad, how upset she really was. At last she was able to conceal her feelings somehow - she thought. Arohi lived a bit distant cause she lived in other state for study purposes , so all the time it was not possible for Anu to share everything with her. But Rishi , being Anu's best friend and staying side by side most of the times  ,always understood her, often even the unuttered things. 
But this time, Rishi even didn't understand. May be because Rishi was a bit busy with himself unlike most other times when he always delves in Anu's mind. They were good friends ,  rather best friends for years, not childhood ones though.
Anu was almost a baby to him and together they would look like anything --- brother-sister, girl friend-boy friend, artist and his art, best friends. Rishi and Anu both treasured their precious friendship and they were so much confident that they even did'nt pay any heed to what others' thought of their being together for so much time, because they knew there was nothing 'something else'. Anu continued to flow in thoughts of Rohit , being determined not to place anyone else below Rohit's diadem and not even trying to bring anyone else in her thoughts. And also most of the times she didn't keep her thoughts to herself only, Anu felt secured in the often warm emraces of Rishi, Rishi was there, a safe shoulder to cry on and a safe locker to put all the thoughts and feelings safely locked.

Rishi was a boy with strong wills, dedications , determinations who always respected Anu's all thoughts and feelings, however idiotic at times they may be. Even when Anu used to get upset with guys approaching her, Rishi always calmed her down... But things always doesn't go uniformly. No one really understands the chicanery of fate and mind, however cherubic at times they may be. Enthereal moments they shared were never a sort of billet-doux for them. But 'stupid cupid'  with much patience and time created iridescent hues in Rishi's mind . Yes, Rishi was madly in love with Anu. He tied his mind and tried hard not let Anu know anything about that. But Anu was a girl and above all Rishi's best friend who used to make out so many of his problems even before Rishi thought of telling them to Anu, No exception this time. Anu understood. Again it was somehow a bad situation for Anu, perhaps worse. What to say your best friend , what are the word to console that person who loves you madly but doesn't even expect anything in return!! Anu was again befuddled, about what she should do.!  
 Arohi suggested her not to be the sameway any more. Arohi asked her to stop all her childish behaviours and kiddish requests and throw them away. Anu was sad. She was again on the verge of loosing a friend?!! Rishi didn't allow her to do so. He promised her not to pick that topic again. But Anu thougt she should become bit cautious , so that in no way Rishi should feel or start expecting 'something' in return.
They continue to be friends ; together 'stopping' to think about 'their' future, one trying hard to confide love, One fighting hard to keep safe distance from so much of 'loves' all around.

As the planet rotates our lives also rotate and we never know whats really waiting for us in the next turning point. Just as Anu, Rohit, Rishi , Arohi all waiting for the 'Next'.


THEN GO TO: 
Mind out: Just another Story. Part -3
Mind out: Just another Story. Part -4
Mind out: Just another Story. Part-5

Random thoughts.

I wonder how the crowd has encircled me.
Early teenage solitude seems a bliss now.
Works to be done, responsibilities to be carried out.
Going gaga for various things at various times.

Just Dreaming to be alone now.
Who will let me ,to be so?

Often I feel lost in these
Dastardly earthy hues.
So much ears, so much eyes
Open just for me?
Just to praise or criticise me.!?
Or just they pretend..!!!
I hear and see so much of them.
Never felt so crowded ever before...

Zonked of hearing the jabberings.
Euphorian dreams exhorting the cravenly mind.
Yet...
I need some space, some solitude
Some bliss.

Its not:
"The tyrant claims freedom to kill freedom".
I have plenty of it.
Yet the 'yet' remains.
I am confused,
I am lost
Nowhere....

Just another Story. Part-1

Its almost two years now ,of break up between Anu and Rohit.

Anu loved Rohit from the time she started understanding the meaning of 'love', in her early teenage.But ,destiny played game with her.
He moved far away from her, with no scope of contact and rohit had no idea about her feelings at all. They were not friends, not among relatives even, they just knew each other..

Some seven years later they met. Anu was overwhelmed, just by realising Rohit recognised her face , seen long seven years back. Nothing went wrong then onwards. Rohit approached her and proposed her even, which was almost a chimera to Anu for years. So many people told her and tried to convince her that she couldn't wait for someone or 'just' love someone without seeing or even knowing much about him,  for soo many years . But she did, at least, then she believed she did.
Time passed on . Those were the happiest days of her life. Those moments, those thoughts , feelings...yeah,she got the man she loved , though she never desired. She loved without any expectations. she loved without a little bit of hope of getting Rohit ever in her life. So when in reality things happened that way  ,it was not really a dream come true for her. She never dreamt of that. She prayed for him, loved him, even wished him to be happy with someone else if he was in love with someone else( she
had no idea though what was going in his life or whether at all anyone was in his life).

Good times never lasts. It was not an exception for Anu's airy-fairy tale and her hunky-dory world.
They broke up. She was having adjustment problems. A number of times she started feeeling she was insulted , her morale, her principles were looked down upon, and often crushed even. She couldn't tolerate all those. As they were together ,breaking all prognostications, they parted breaking all predictions.

He was first in her life, but she was not the first one in his life. After Anu and Rohit broke up, Rohit went back to his first girlfriend(oops love..!) who claimed she always loved him , though Rohit left her due to some mere misunderstandings.
But Anu was alone. She loved to live that way, without inculcating any other 'especial' person in her life. She was happy being alone. She had no expectations from anyone.
The only thing changed in her was her mentality. She was determined not to be committed again. She was prepared to lead the rest of her life by her own. She didn't feel anybody's need in her life any more.

Days passed.
Rohit was traversing his ups and downs of life with another girl by his side --- this thought often hurt Anu, and often she was satisfied and happy thinking Rohit was no longer morosed for her,he was no longer living their memories as Anu still did.

Two years later on Rohit's birthday Anu wished him via SMS,not a call. He thanked and called her. It was 12.26 A.M. The conversation went. ...


Rohit[R]: Hello....

Anu [A]: Hello.

Rohit: how are you?

Anu: I am well as always...

R: Good.

A: yeah I know.

R: so.... whats going in your life?

A: studies, exams, gossips , music and everything thats required for me and myself.

R: Well thats essential part of life. What else, whats goin on in your personal life? Is there anyone now in your.......

A: No, I didn't feel any requirement of anyone else in my life. And what all happened in my life even if I blame someone,Its me.....

R: You are still very angry on me, right?

A: Why should I be? I am happy with whatever life gifted me. I never thought of getting it. I have no objections or complaints against anyone. And I don't blame myself generally, Cause I love myself the most on earth.And well the way I felt myself to be insulted, I want none any more. What do you think if you now wish me to be back in your life I'll be...Never.

R: Hmmmm ...Good, thats very good ki you don't blame yourself....

A: yeah I know, and apart from that there are actually soo many things going on in my life. Each week rather each day of my life is eventful for me...

R: Do you still remember me often?

A: Why should I?

R: Answer my question.

A: (Anu's voice started trembling and cracking....) Why should I remember You?

R: You are lieing...I know you are. Have some water now.

A: Yeah I had, Why should I lie?

R: Can't you answer a single answer properly and straight? You are not in your best manners now....

A: If I am not, Well I can't behave better than this....

R: You have remained the same...

A: Hmmm....

R: I am feeling sorry now, I didn't wish you on your b'day. Actually something very wrong was or is still going on in my life..I'll tell you someday....Sorry I didn't wish you...

A: Doesn't matter. I didn't expect or want anyone's wish.

Rahul: Well I didn't ask for your opinion, I said I felt sorry for not wishing...Actually today after coming out of office all of a sudden I remembered you...

Anu: ok ok....sorry...

R: Hmm.. so now ,can I give you a call ,often?

A: Whats the use?

R: Why don't you answer a single question clearly...Can I call you?

A: No, please no, No need. I am happy with the past memories, I don't want to refresh them And I don't want you as my friend or brother or any other thing on earth. I loved You and I still cherish many of my memories with you. Its better to relish ice-cream frozen and chicken soup hot... Will you like them the
other way round??

R: hmmm okk....so... now go to sleep...

A: hmm ok(no words were coming out now)..bye. good night...

And She hung up.... Then she burst into her usual tears. But this time this phone call made her stronger. She felt bad when he asked him whether she still remembers him or not, whether he can still call her or not..Didn't he really knows the answers.!
So what was his purpose?! To cool her down and consolate her, Or her first love again left him and he wanted Anu back.!!
Why are some rather most men so insensible, so selfish,and so unfeeling...!! Anu wondered.
She spoke to herself and once again confirmed her determination of not committing to anyone in life... One who hardly respected her thoughts, her feelings.. one who was so obfuscated with himself that he hardly looked around...He asked soo many questions.
But she hardly did any.Perhaps she didn't have any curiosity , or perhaps she had all the answers...!!
She had one question to ask "How are you?"..But she didn't ask. Because she thought she would be sad with any of the answers.
It was already very late and she was more than tired physically and mentally.....she thought and thought untill sleep engulped her and relieved her.


THEN :
Mind out: Just another Story. Part-2 
Mind out: Just another Story. Part -3
Mind out: Just another Story. Part -4
Mind out: Just another Story. Part-5