Awake

Today, 16th November ’10 I took a vital decision, rather I had some strange realizations. It wouldn’t have been written by me if by any chance the case was just ‘reverse’. How reverse and meaning of this ‘reverse’ will be clear in course of time. For that much period patience of the readers and mine too are expected. At the end I may not end up writing this, may not end up publishing this, may not bother to move according to the ‘changed decision’ even! Never mind, after a long time writing so….. forgive that much of nuisance.!

Still last night 11p.m I was very much OK with my ‘previous decision’ of  fleeing away after having a safe amount of monetary deposit and clearing all mental blocks and pillars!
But last night talking with someone on the topic of being truant, suddenly I realized how horrible it really will turn out to be for my parents and loved ones. My parents, who 'made' me in all senses and literally brought back from death, what will happen to them!
I had the idea of ‘vanishing’ one day without anyone letting know anything, without carrying any single stuffs from my home/room/family/friends.

Can it really be possible? I myself am a part of them.
How can I ignore my presence, their presence in me! Did I do so? Do I do so? Or will I do that?
I donno at this moment. This professional life has made me feel the word ‘care’.

Here most of ‘them’ don’t care about their work properly, and ‘caring’ about ‘others’ is totally out of question. Previously I used to think myself rude; coming at workplace I realized, how rude the rest of the world ‘actually’ is! So, far I have been rude with those people (especially 2) who perhaps love me the most on earth. But rest of the world is rude to the one, whom they don’t know even! Am I insane? Or they are mature?

Suddenly amidst this rude and cruel world the thought of moving away , getting ‘vanished’ from the vicinity of my loves shook something inside me.
Can I really do that?
Do I really need to do that?

I wonder!
Am I fleeing away from life?
Am I afraid to face the battle ahead?
 I have never been a coward!
But I ended up making all the decisions like a coward.
I became all, what I hated.
I chased all what I dreamt!

I lost all my prizes.
Am I still sleeping?
Or I am Just Awake!

You

 

You are so away.....That
Your smell no more tingle senses,
Though in a crowd often it seems
You are just around...

But I know you are away...
Light years away,
More away than I
Ever expected you to be.

Care- I see it everywhere,
I never wished to have it so much.
I don't like them to care,
Yet they do, but
You don't .

Its just like I am in the mid ocean:
"water water everywhere, but not a drop to drink"!!


They swear to follow me everywhere,
You too did, but you broke the promise.
But I don't care whether they'll keep it or not.

Night knows the pain,
Pillows know the tears,
They cannot consolate, they know.
You can consolate, but you don't know.

Have you?

Have you ever:

1. Sat blank for half an hour in the examination hall?
2. Felt like never to go outside your room?
3. Felt so content that, wished to stop earth's rotation?
4. Thought, actually what are you doing right now?
5. Sat on a table in a resto,between tables of the one crazy for you and the one you are crazy for, and the latter one sitting with his girlfriend?
6. Just wanted to run out and shout?
7. Wanted to kill yourself just because you are right?
8. Wanted to marry the person you hate most?
9. Wanted to punch many people together?
10.Stopped talking to your friend cause he/she gives you ideas from heart ,not brain?

Well well  well, may be many of you have affirmative answers of many of the above questions.But I have positive answer for all of them.
Thats strange? ehh..not that much ...
After soo many days, I am writing here, and I feel like asking you soo many questions, well obviously you are not bound to answer.:D
My semester ended the day before yesterday and now I have plenty of time to make a set of question paper for myself and compensate for whatever I missed out in the answer paper..:P
Its been a bad day for me, today, though it was Christmas.  Still I am not that ill to spare you from asking these stupid questions.
From some of the above questions it may seem I am a bit frustrated. Noway, I'm not, may be a bit depressed. but it's party time, no time for being sad, yuhooo...... 
Happy New year In Advance to you all.

Train of ThoughtS

So many things moving around in my head, yet I am not writing for quiet a long time. Because I was not in the mood for writing, I was actually busy doing one of my most favourite thing...simply being lazy. Everyday I thought of writing, yet I didn't feel like typing .
I felt like talking with people. But unfortunately (or may be fortunately) there's none around  with enough patience to listen to my whole range gripes and tripes.
Here in blog at least I can express my words and some nice people reads my blogs and praise my writings, which I never thought, could happen.

Just a few days back(when I was in my lazy phase) I read a book We The Living  by Ayn Rand. Loved it , loved it very much. Its about post effect of revolution in Russia, but it was a very romantic one. But the thing is that , the book has infused a typical anti-communist mentality in my head. Now I hate communism(well its not like that, that I was a huge patron of communism before reading the book; I just developed a sort of hatred towards communism after reading the book). Well, on this topic I remember one thing, I have got very much influenced by various people and books many times in my life.
Ayn Rand in her writing presents her own convictions, which are , not a bit, but quiet a much deviated from normal thoughts.
Communism is the ideology , where there will be no classes in the society, there will be no distinction between a worker or a manager and everyone will be the owner of every organisation , with everyone working as much as they can, but will be earning on the basis of what they need, Not what they deserve.
I don't think this thing to be a bit practical. Its not possible to work as much as one can, most of the times, and again its a sort of injustice to give one what he needs, not what he deserves. All human beings are not equal, everyone's intelligence or physical strength is not equal, everyone's ambition is not equal. Communism is a barrier for the outstanding; if he wants to do , own something then it will not be his' but all's. Is it possible? Is it acceptable?

So, stratas in society is quiet obvious.
I do agree , capitalistic society is most often excruciating for the subordinates, since the owner desires the maximum possible benefits,but I don't think communism is the solution The one who is working hard and the one not doing so can never own equal possessions.
Why on earth do we live for?For whose sake? Ourselves. Living is self-reverence.

So, I don't understand the ideology of not doing what one wishes to,and of not getting the full one deserves.

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Another thought was moving around, in my head....escapism and hedonism.
Well, I think I am a hedonist, I do most of the things for myself, for my happiness. I try to live my life keeping myself happy. For being happy it is often required to be a escapist. Don't you agree ?

Interaction with someone makes you sad? Do you prefer to say you, an escapist when you avoid that person? May be yes, but I don't see anthing bad in it, cause its done just for self. May be often its termed selfishness. Well, aren't we really meant to be so? We have only one life (that's even predicted to end on 2012...:(.. hehe.) so we should live on our terms and for our goodnesses and joys. Also there's a controversy regarding this, in my head. If someone gets joy always doing harm to the others, then what will happen to others.?! Well, I really don't think anyone can get true joy by doing intentional harm to others.

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Now , a poem, that was in mind for a time, but today the Bryan Adam's songs instigated me to write it.

You loved me, you said you do so.
I was in love,
Enough, enough to be blind in that.
Now I often think,
What you did.!
You loved me, or Always just
Wanted me to love you?!

I am not blaming you,
Not a bit,
I don't even dare to do so.
I just still love you
As it was years back,
I will love you
As it was years back.

I walk the life
With my shadow
But I am not alone
The memories I still cherish.
I don't need others' love,
I now hate those
Who Claim they love Me..!!
I prefer to be alone.

I am alone, not lonely,
I am alone, by choice,
Not by Chance.

I still love you,
The only difference is
I want you nomore.
I need you nomore.
I see you nomore.

                        
                                                   
                                                        **************************


Ahhh, I am feeling so light after saying(oops writing!) soo much..:)

Random thoughts.

I wonder how the crowd has encircled me.
Early teenage solitude seems a bliss now.
Works to be done, responsibilities to be carried out.
Going gaga for various things at various times.

Just Dreaming to be alone now.
Who will let me ,to be so?

Often I feel lost in these
Dastardly earthy hues.
So much ears, so much eyes
Open just for me?
Just to praise or criticise me.!?
Or just they pretend..!!!
I hear and see so much of them.
Never felt so crowded ever before...

Zonked of hearing the jabberings.
Euphorian dreams exhorting the cravenly mind.
Yet...
I need some space, some solitude
Some bliss.

Its not:
"The tyrant claims freedom to kill freedom".
I have plenty of it.
Yet the 'yet' remains.
I am confused,
I am lost
Nowhere....

Meaningless feelings.

Cant find words, yet I need them.
I want to share something,
But I wonder what is it ...

I want to ensconce here.

What I want? what I get..!!
I don't know myself.
Perhaps I have lost all and everything
But again I cant recall what it is.

Do I really need some prerogative??
But for what? for whom?
I keep dawdling around with
Preposterous resentment.

Infidelity hurts, it has made me
Indifferent towards anything.
Yet still cannot infringe the vague inferno.
Why?the question still remains.

Do you feel a bit compassionate
Or move your face exasperatingly?
I am indeed waiting for the evangel.
Still I doubt ,whether it can make me happy.!

I cant ,rather don't denunciate anybody.
But what is this going?
It was supposed to be fine and alright.
But everything is going insouciant.
Detrimental thoughts are instilling.

I know I'll convalesce soon.
Yet I hate the present state .
Cant define what actually it is.
Inanity, languor,incubus,complex or
A Mixture (may be compound) of all.....

[P.S:This was written pretty time back. I have convalesced from that state now....But often this type of feelings occur, One cant help it, you know....Its the characteristic of age.......:)...:P ]

Jealous 21.

I turned 21 just a few days back.

Well I am not shy to tell my age...

I am 21, and I am jealous....

Jealous of so many things around.

I am jealous when

Anything around is better than Me and mine.

I am self-obsessed,

I am 21.

I am jealous.

I am jealous when my best Friend

Talks more to someone else

Than to me.

I am jealous when my admirer

Admires someone else more.

I am jealous.

Yeah, I am .

I don't want to lie about it,

May be that's my fault,

May be that's my all.

I am jealous.

I am 21.

Through the mystique mist.

Its raining cats and dogs outside

And I am inside my cosy room,

Thinking just of You.

Thinking of the charade

My fate played with me.

Or it was you who played all of it?

Who cauterized all the

Flying birds in my azure sky?

I am not blaming you,

Since still I am befuddled

Whether you are the real criminal?

Or I am the jilt?!!!

Just trying to sort the reasons out.

I still run for you,

I still spoil my nights and days for you

I still wonder what you do,

I still pray for you.

I still crave to live the memories

Of Us.

Do you even bother to keep

Them in mind?

Or have you Lost them long ago,

On the way to your new-found

Destination..!!!

I am curious,

Do you have really nothing

More to say me?

I know you never wanted to hear

Though you had to do so.

Do not masquerade

I wanna see your face

Beyond the variegated blur,

In true colors.

I wanna see whether they still

Colors me up

Or just again creates

The pain

That you are No more,

You are Nowhere,

You Were,

You were just a mere illusion

Whose capricious blabbering

Fascinated me,

For whom I lived

A decade in just ten months.

You are no more,

You are no where.

Its me, it always have been me....

And it always will be about and

Just because of Me.

You stand there

Outside my misty glass,

I am not sure how long

The mist will last

And how long you will

Be there.

But when the mist will

Go

And I'll open the window,

I know,

Neither the mist nor you will be there...

The sun will shine again.

Still I gaze at the mystique mist

Outside.

May be its the last time

I am seeking , seeing and feeling you..!!!

I don't know I want you or not,

How much I love you,

Even if I love you at all.

I just fell ,still creeping and crawling,

In the shade of love of your existence.

[P.S: Somewhat fictitious, some what from mind.....]

My lIfe

I stay happy and jovial
With no thoughts at all.

Often I think I have become numb,

Those pinning thoughts and words

No more scratches in or screeches in

My mind, yeah I have become numb....

I lead a happy life..

But when the city sleeps and

The curtains go down,

When I plan to 'catch a falling star'

And 'save it for a rainy day',

When the clocks' hands go far

Beyond midnight,

When I actually realise my

Whole day's works and no-works

Those pains and unuttered emotions

Creep back to mind and brain.

How I withstand them all...!

I myself wonder.

They say, I am sensitive,

Also ,they say I am brave.

They say 'Shes the man',

Also, they say 'You are only a girl'.

Just flummoxing me all the more...!

How I bear all the curses of death

From the ones who claimed

They love me the most on earth!!!

Often I do get twitched by the words

With a hundred words bursting out of my head.

It becomes hard to bear the false denunciations.

Many a times I am accused

Of the incidents I never knew

Had happened....!!!

But they happened...!

For them it happened...!

They say it happened...!

And who made it happen?

' I '

D'uh...what a life....

Its better to be numb sometimes....

The thoughts go in oblivion

Gradually as the new day begins...

And with new rays I forget All

My grudges and complaints.

Then I dont care a bit

About who says what, I am the boss...:)

Thats the life....

saD enD.

Today i had d last exam of 6th sem.
The subj was one of my (few)fav ones.
I had 3 days gap b4 dis one.
Unlike other times ,i studied dis time
For olmost ol 3 days.
Last nite i was awake till 2
which s quiet not-normal for Me
For just b4 d exam day.
I had some awkward dream last nite,
I saw n heard something dat i dint wish to
C or Hear.

Sleep cracked at 7am.!!
The mood was pensive.
Felt some pain seeping down d spine.

I woke n started to mug again,
To Forget d dream(perhaps).
I studied most of d chapters.
Had a nice preparation.
But i left a chapter from which nothin came
In last 5 yrs....

Went to colg early, unlike other days.
Aftr some discussion
Entered d exam hall.
D paper was so bad n
So shocking.
May be, i knew ,dat
Aftr ol d nice papers Board Is
Gonna give a bamboo In
The last One.

But my preparation 'was' soo good.
yet i was not satisfied after d exam...
D hrs finished quiet soon.

I came out a bit groggy.
So many unlike things together .....
Doesnt really give a nice feeling.
Feelin slumped n a bit depressed.
Not a Happy ending..:(